Attack the argument, never the person
The moment it's about them, you've lost everyone who was still listening.
It feels strong. It reads as weak. Going personal signals you've run out of points, and it gives the other person the moral high ground for free. Keep every sentence aimed at the claim: 'that's wrong because', never 'you're wrong because you're'.
Instead of
You would say that, you've never had a real job.
Try
I think that misses how it works on the ground — here's what actually happens.
Try it today
Catch yourself once today about to say 'you always' or 'you never', and aim the sentence at the point instead.
The science
Ad hominem is the oldest named fallacy; Graham's hierarchy (2008) places it one rung above name-calling. Audiences penalise personal attacks even when they agree with the attacker (Barnes et al., 2018).
Where you'd actually use it
- 🗣️ Everyday DisagreementsYour partner has been late to the last four things, and the fifth has just happened. They've gone straight to minimising it. You w…
- 🗣️ Everyday DisagreementsThis is the third time this friend has cancelled on the day. You like them and you don't want to lose them, but you're done preten…
Next lesson
- 🫀 Find the value underneathYou're not arguing about the policy. You're arguing about what they're afraid of.
- 🔓 Ask what would change their mindIf the answer is 'nothing', stop. If it's something, bring that.
- 🔁 Restate the hostile questionSay it back fairly, and you've already half-won the room.